You know what’s fun? Googling yourself. Just as a way to understand how the world records you instead of the other way around. Google has the power to show us ourselves without filters. It’s also addicting, the Archangels threatened to stage an intervention unless I started bathing again - they didn’t find my crack about creating a “God-like stench” amusing. Killjoys.

But, before Harut drags me off to the shower, I want to share the highlights of God’s Googling Experience.

Google Search 

• Wikipedia popped up first, obviously. Man those guys are good. Anyone reading that page would find enough information for some serious identity theft. 
• God.com, a webpage that tells you how to find me. I prefer “Where’s Waldo,” but that’s just me.
• Some posers on twitter and facebook. Probably researched me on Wikipedia. That’s okay. Competition is cute.
• A website called “God is Imaginary.” Just because something’s imaginary doesn’t mean it’s not real. dhjgfksiurtg. Sorry, Aristotle tried to hijack my feed. Dude, let it go. We’re sick of it.

Google News

• “God told me to have more than one wife” is the latest story from the Daily Mail. Sure, Philip Sharp, if by ‘God’ you mean your ‘cock’ than yes, God told you.

Google Shopping

• Lots of books. In Heaven, we take turns dramatically reading these out loud because it’s so wrong it’s right, but frankly people using faith to make money is a little gross. 
• The most recent is “Promises from God for Single Women.” Yes ladies, another dude using religion to control your vagina. Buy it now. And my only official promise to any single person is that masturbation, as awesome as it is now, only gets better with practice. You’re welcome.

Google Images

• Swear to myself, the first two images are Thor and Odin from Marvel comics. If I had hands I’d be slow clapping. Well played, nerds. Well played.

Google Maps

• According to all those dots, I’m seriously up in Australia’s business, but only on the beaches. Also, I’m completely avoiding Russia. Make your own “In Soviet Russia” jokes.

Google Youtube

• “An Atheist Meets God” is popular. Watching it was kind of like the time we made Caesar watch “Gladiator.” Entertaining, but widely inaccurate  Personally, I like to high-five the Atheists and walk away without saying a word. Just to fuck with them. 

Love y’all,

GOD

Because every day’s a holiday! Woohoo!

Hola, mis niños. The last two days have been busy up here. During inaugurations our lines tend to get overloaded, especially the American ones. While I can’t respond to prayers because if I answer one I have to answer them all and there goes your free will and self determination, but I do hear them. 

All of them.

Ugh.

For example, today was the Presidential Inaugural Prayer Breakfast, discussing the prophetic destiny of America.

Before that was President Barack Obama’s first swearing in.

Then his second swearing in.

Ending his inaugural oath with: “So help me God.”

And Reverend Dr. Luis Leon delivering the benediction

Yet Gabe Lyons, an evangelical blogger from PewSitter.com, asks, “As gays come out of the closet, are Christians meant to swap and go hide back in closets of their own?”

Beyonce sang

And it’s Martin Luther King Day.

Don’t even get me started on what Greenland’s up to. 

Have an awesome day! 

Hello my loves! You’re all looking beautiful today. Well, you look beautiful everyday because I made you in my image and I’m a hottie!

Some people, I won’t say who because I’m not that kind of God, are under the impression that Heaven is all somber music and everlasting peace. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve got your everlasting peace and when Beethoven’s in a mood the music is definitely somber.

But an eternity seems like forever unless you’re having fun. For the past few centuries, our favorite pastime has been the ‘Holy Drinking Game.’ Now you can play along without having to die first!

HALF YOUR DRINK

• When someone calls my name during sex. Not that I don’t appreciate your appreciation, especially when you’re doing something that flexible.
• Whenever someone talks in tongues. We don’t understand what you’re saying, but your face is hysterical.
• The Virgin Mary’s found on toast. I’d like to go on the record and say that the ‘Virgin Mary’ thing didn’t happen. And I’m hurt you think I’m that creepy.
• A priest or politician blames the devil for his actions. For the last time, “Lucifer” is a bedtime story that got out of control. Gabriel and I are going to have a little talk about how spreading rumors can hurt. 
  

FINISH YOUR DRINK

• There’s fanfiction depicting angels doing the naughty. Wednesday nights haven’t been sober since Supernatural.
• Someone says “I ____ in the name of God.” Stop using me as a weapon. Take responsibility for your own actions.
• A member of any church uses religion to justify something douchey. The Spanish Inquisition was rough.
• If someone lectures that sex is a sin. Pleeeeease. Sex is good for you; it’s fun and it burns calories. It’s also a personal choice, so shut up.

SHOT

• A rapper thanks me for an award they’ve won. Sorry, I voted for the other guy.
• A politician prays on National Television. It’s funnier when you’re drunk.
• Israel and Palestine fight. A little insensitive, but you gotta laugh to keep from crying.
• Every time a science class teaches creationism. Trust the Atheists on this one, guys. It’s starting to get embarrassing.
  

CHUG

• If the series finale of your favorite television show disappoints you by explaining everything with religious metaphors. It’s not creative; it’s a cop out! I’m eyeballing you, Lost! 
• If there’s prayer before going to battle. The hypocrisy doesn’t stop, but the migraine does.

Participate with care. Cupid hasn’t been sober since 1405. 

XXOO,

God 

“[Guns] are used to defend human life. They are used to defend our property and our families and our faith and our freedom, and they are absolutely essential to living the way God intended for us to live.” - Tim Donnelly (R) California 

To which I say,

Dear Politicians: Invoking me in your business is so 12th century. Stop this laziness and write an original thought. Also, assuming you know what I intended is prideful and that’s a siiiiiiin. Imjustsayin.

Thanks,

God

Hello, my children! God, here. So glad Steve Jobs finally updated our system. I wanted to write sooner, but Gabriel has this deeply rooted suspicion of technology. But now that we’ve got our wi-fi, I’d like to clear up ten common misconceptions.

1. I love the gays. Why do you think I invented the prostate?
2. I’ve never finished the Bible. But the parts I’ve read are hysterical.
3. Lucifer was a story I made up to scare the kids. I admit, it got a bit out of control.
4. Atheists are my favorite. They’re good at math, they write amazing television shows, and they never kill anyone in my name. Keep up the good work, guys!
5. I’m not involved. Like a good parent, I don’t control your life. I just offer my love and support. So stop buying lottery tickets and study for that final. You know who you are.
6. I’ve never directly talked to anyone. Except for that one time. That was awesome.
7. Misogyny isn’t okay. I’m half girl, you know. Guess which half. I dare you.
8. I’ve never been to church. The world is your church! Get out there and enjoy it.
9. Politics and Religion. I stay out of it. It’s too depressing.
10. You don’t need to worship me. Seriously, I’m not that egotistical. Just be kind to each other.

I’m aware many others on the internet claim to be, well, me. But you’ll just have to decide for yourself who you want to follow. Isn’t that hilarious?

H&Ks,

God