Hello, my children! God, here. So glad Steve Jobs finally updated our system. I wanted to write sooner, but Gabriel has this deeply rooted suspicion of technology. But now that we’ve got our wi-fi, I’d like to clear up ten common misconceptions.

1. I love the gays. Why do you think I invented the prostate?
2. I’ve never finished the Bible. But the parts I’ve read are hysterical.
3. Lucifer was a story I made up to scare the kids. I admit, it got a bit out of control.
4. Atheists are my favorite. They’re good at math, they write amazing television shows, and they never kill anyone in my name. Keep up the good work, guys!
5. I’m not involved. Like a good parent, I don’t control your life. I just offer my love and support. So stop buying lottery tickets and study for that final. You know who you are.
6. I’ve never directly talked to anyone. Except for that one time. That was awesome.
7. Misogyny isn’t okay. I’m half girl, you know. Guess which half. I dare you.
8. I’ve never been to church. The world is your church! Get out there and enjoy it.
9. Politics and Religion. I stay out of it. It’s too depressing.
10. You don’t need to worship me. Seriously, I’m not that egotistical. Just be kind to each other.

I’m aware many others on the internet claim to be, well, me. But you’ll just have to decide for yourself who you want to follow. Isn’t that hilarious?

H&Ks,

God